I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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