It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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