i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
