she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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