My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
