If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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