so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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