I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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