just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
