everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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