in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
