My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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