I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
