I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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