can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
