Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
