I smell stomach acid.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
