last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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