everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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