Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
