if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
