did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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