I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
