Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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