Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
