I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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