when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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