based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize