Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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