She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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