either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
