Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
