Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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