Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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