Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
