That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
