the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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