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I could make wine with my vomit
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
