Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize