how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
