its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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