I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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