I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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