Soap is not a condiment
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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