I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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