Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
