Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize