Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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