It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
