One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
