just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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