my room smells like sperm. sweet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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