There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
