just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
