I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize