how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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