I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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