Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
