Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
