i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
