Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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