I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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