We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
