im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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