took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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