There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
